Chords

Wow. Friends. I am overwhelmed by the responses that I have gotten over the last day on yesterday's post. It was an attempt to fulfill my resolution this year about blogging better, and more authentically. And I guess it did just that. It seems to have really stuck a chord with many of you, in fact it struck many different chords.

Parenting is without a doubt the hardest, most challenging and yet most rewarding and crazy amazing job I have ever had. I am sure that most of you would agree. There is just no other ride quite like it - and I don't mean that at all to say that other jobs aren't as fulfilling - just in a different way.

We all have good days and bad days, and ups and downs. This thing is a roller coaster and we are on a ride. I think as moms (and dads) today we have so much additional pressure that we wouldn't have had before the extreme impact of social media. 

If the bad days didn't exist, we wouldn't be able 

to relate to funnies like this, am I right?

On one hand, I am so glad for the social media experience, because it opens up venues for us to honestly share our experiences and emotions with others - we know we are in it together! And I cannot imagine not being able to Google random stuff going on with my children. Yes, you take everything on the inter webs with a grain of salt (or I hope you do!), but isn't it reassuring to have someone else's similar experiences at hand? Within seconds?

But on the other hand,  all this instant technology spawns social comparison that is just not healthy for anyone. When I was chatting with my friend, Dr. Lisa, about yesterday's post she said, "Funny how women do SO MUCH social comparison...and that it ends up hurting us all really." It's so, so true.

It didn't use to exist, all the media pressure that can make us feel like we are failing as mothers - we're not, by the way - and maybe it was better that you couldn't see the Google results for the 80,000 diseases the symptoms in your children might be. 

One of my own dear friends laughingly admitted to me that in the midst of the night when her own dear newborn babe would not go to sleep, and she hadn't gotten any solid sleep in days, and she was having a rough night - this photo of mine put her into tears. 

My baby was peacefully asleep in his bassinet - why wouldn't hers go to sleep?! As I laughed with her about the recollection I let her know, yes, this was a true moment in time, but 20 minutes after that? My baby was up, crying, ready to eat and be cuddled, just like everyone else's baby.

The simple truth is just as I said yesterday. Mothering is hard. That's why it spawns a hundred posts, just like this one, or this one, or this one. 

{If you don't have time to read those posts, here are some favorite quotes from them - 

"Of course there are plenty of amazing, beautiful, transformative moments--but those generally take place when you are on the toilet by yourself. The rest of it is messy, both physically and emotionally. You will survive it, but it will not always be pretty. THIS IS NORMAL." - How to Be the Perfect Parent in 5 Easy Steps (or Probably Never) 

"First Born likes Elmo.  Second Born likes Grover.  Daddy likes Oscar The Grouch (because he reminds him of mommy).  Mommy hates the whole lot of them.  How many days in a given month will Mommy have to endure the parade of high-pitched, forced jocularity that is Sesame Street?" - Forget the SAT, LSAT, and GMAT– Take My Parenting Test 

"I might need a break because I want to use the bathroom without someone watching me, or without worrying what might be happening downstairs and yelling, “Mommy is almost done! Are you guys okay?” " - I Need a Break... }

We all have hard moments, tough days and challenging weeks. Most of our experiences are totally normal and sometimes others fall somewhere along a spectrum of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. The last thing that I would ever want to do is "equate[s] PPD to the baby blues when they're not at all the same thing" (tons of great links on that one, btw) or even equating either of those to just an overwhelming day. But we should all know what is considered normal "new mom stress" and what isn't, and not to sweep any serious feelings under the rug.

Last year, I wrote a post about Mentally Healthy Mommies - because there were things that I had never heard about in all of my prenatal (or perinatal, for that matter) care. The world of social media opened my eyes to things like Post Partum Anxiety, and Weaning Related Depression. 

Just today, I saw this post on Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex. Hormones can do a LOT to your body, so let's recognize that. If you ever feel like things are spinning beyond your control, do not be afraid or ashamed to seek the appropriate help. 

We are all going through stuff, and everyone has a million and a half different dressers in their lives - parents or not. Life is hard.

People process those stressors in different ways, and the best thing we can do is be supportive. I process through writing about both the good and the bad, the easy and the tough, the serious and the funny. My biggest hope has always been that my processing can help. Help start a conversation, a thought, or just help.

Thanks for allowing me to process. Life is different with two, and we are all in transition. Even if no one else had read that post, it allowed me to get those feelings out and move on with my day. But you did, you did read it, and offered your support. 

So this I offer to all of you, please remember that no matter what is going on, "You're still you".

Evelyn Rae is 20 months old, Liam is 6 weeks old

...and this post was written while breastfeeding a few times, being spit up upon, stopping a toddler from eating crayons, and enjoying my morning coffee, baby giggles and coos, and that same toddler's pride in her artwork.

A Little Air

Sometimes friends comment to me about my blog and let me know that they appreciate how much I seem to enjoy motherhood. Or they jokingly comment that my kids are so cute and perfect and hilarious and such.

Well friends, I do enjoy the hell out of motherhood. It has brought me more joy and immeasurable peace, understanding and patience in my own heart that I never imagined was possible, or even missing, until it was there.

I focus on those things, those happy and joyous moments, because writing about them and focusing on them helps to keep things in perspective. Processing through the joy that I find in the personalities of my children and having to put that into words, trying to accurately articulate these feelings inside of me - that helps me to stay positive.

Because the truth is, mothering is hard work.

There have been a few days, especially in the last few weeks, where I have honestly felt like I was drowning. I am not sure if it it the weather - the continuing and seemingly endless cold and rain and gloom - or if it is post-partum hormones, or lack of sleep, or learning all over again to balance all of my family members' needs (did anyone feed our poor dog today? Anyone?), or if it is a combination of all of those things.

More than likely, all of them.

It culminated this morning.

Yesterday, I was recovering from a sudden flare of sickness (what I suspect was my body fighting through a clogged milk duct and staving off mastitis, so I am thankful for that - but still - fever, chills, ick.) and things were falling apart around me. 

All of the advice I was reading online suggested crawling into bed with my baby and nursing until we were both content.

Oh, how I wish that was possible. You see, with a toddler who is constantly exploring, climbing, playing, asking, and discovering - cuddling peacefully in bed and resting with a newborn is just not part of the picture. 

So instead, I sat on the couch with a fussy, constantly hungry, growth spurting baby and nursed and nursed and nursed him, while I exhaustedly watched Evelyn pull out toys, rip books, unpack diaper bags, pull the dog's tail, and refuse to nap. 

I know the poor thing is stir crazy. I am, and I am a grown up who understands why we can't go play out in the sleet.

She was put in timeout (multiple times), spit again when I was processing a particular timeout for willfully spitting with her, etc.

When she finally did go down, I looked around at my house, and the walls began closing in on me. The piles of laundry waiting to be put away. The dirty laundry waiting to be done. Dishes in the sink. Rooms that needed to be vacuumed. Toys, blocks, baby holding accessories - everywhere it seemed.

It was a no good very bad day.

And I was drowning.

When the cycle looked like it was ready to repeat itself again today, and my coffee went cold before I could finish it again, and the piles of mail and the fact that I have yet to send a single thank you note or order birth announcements because I can no longer sit at my computer for 5 minutes uninterrupted until my husband gets home and then dinner and baths and bedtime and life happens...

When that began to creep towards me, I decided that the cold couldn't hold us back any longer. 

I loaded up those kiddos and we went for a walk.

Just a short walk, I told myself, we just need to get OUT of this house.

As I was locking the door, both kids were crying. Evelyn, the constant "big girl" now, didn't want to be in the stroller and Liam was fussy as he was still trying to snuggle in and find a good position against my chest in the Moby.

I realized that it was 44 degrees and though I had bundled the kids, I left my own jacket inside. I was so desperate to get going I went without. I was walking with a heater strapped to my chest after all, I would be fine.

And magically, within a block, they were both silent.

Within two, they were both asleep.

I decided not to care that it wasn't technically nap time yet, and let her sleep. 

I ended up walking my entire two mile route that used to be my daily routine. It just felt so good to be out there again. 

Sure, some of the trees are still bare. And the cold wind was blowing. And the grass was mostly yellow. And the water was still more of winter gray than the brilliant blue of summer.

But,  the sun was (mostly) shining.

And, as it turns out, when you are drowning - all you need is a little bit of air.

Evelyn Rae is 20 months old, Liam is 6 weeks old

...and we are all feeling much better this afternoon. From now on, so long as the sun is shining, our morning walk is back - no matter how many layers we have to wear.

The Birth of William Brawford: Part Five

Get caught up:

{Part One}

{Part Two}

{Part Three}

{Part Four}

.....................

Jennifer looked down and remarked that my water was clear, which was great, and I immediately knew from how I had been pushing and how exhausted my legs were that I wasn’t going to be able to hold my same position in the tub for much longer, so I requested heading for the bed. Unknowingly, I had been clenching my thigh muscles really tightly - my quads ached for two days after birth because I had pushed so much energy into them. 

As I climbed out of the tub and headed for the bed my water continued to gush, and towards the end of it we saw signs of meconium. I had a momentary blip of anxiety when Jennifer mentioned that it was well diluted and that the baby had great coping signs with labor up until this point, but that they would still need to page a pediatrician to be present for delivery.

Since she was so calm about this new development, I was able to regain my calm and remain focused too. Thankfully, when you are at that point in labor everything else seems really unimportant also because you are just so in tune with the task before you.

I laid down, rolled over into the same position that I had used to push for Evelyn, grabbed my husbands hand and got ready to go. The pressure, though it had abated for a moment of sweet relief when my water broke, was back with a vengeance.

“Oh, right, THIS is what having a baby feels like,” I remember thinking to myself. “Did I really do this before, or was it just a dream? How did I do this before and look back on it with happiness and excitement? Holy shit this is intense. I can't believe we are already pushing! This is so surreal - we just got here! I didn't think I would meet this baby so quickly!”

Then, as the first contraction hit, I roared out loud and bore down.

Inwardly, I thought in a rush, “You have done this before, and you are going to do this again right now! Get this done, Courtney!”

After that first push, Jennifer exclaimed that what a great job I had done already, but gently reminded me that all of that energy I was letting go through my mouth was a waste – I should push that roar down where it counts.

As I felt that amazing pressure that I honestly think you only truly understand in that very moment – I remember clearly thinking that no memory will ever quite do it justice – I pushed for all my might.

And then I kept pushing, after the contraction was gone, just trying to get that baby out! I hovered in between pain, determination, exhaustion and excitement. Jennifer reminded me that if the contraction was over, I could stop pushing.

Oh, right.

Again, I groaned and let go of my leg. This time Jennifer was not so gentle in her reminder that I was the one delivering this baby, no one else, so keep holding that leg up and stop letting that energy escape through my mouth!

That slightly stern moment was exactly what I needed. With the next contraction I held it together, pushed all of that power down – and that was it! I felt the baby slide out onto the bed.

One minute shy of an hour and a half after arriving at the hospital, at 3:34 pm, after three pushes in a total of nine minutes, and William Brawford made his glorious entrance into the world, one whole day shy of his estimated due date.

His Daddy looked down and tearfully announced that he was a boy!

Jennifer cut the cord and he was quickly whisked over to the pediatrician. She informed us of what was happening, and reassured us that from the immediate pinkness she had seen and that first strong wail, he seemed to be just fine.

I felt amazing, and was once again crying and laughing in the mixture of sweet relief and joy that is the post birth high. A and I varied between staring at each other, laughing and wiping tears away and and glancing anxiously over at the warmer.

I knew in my bones that he was perfect before the pediatrician even finished his exam, but I sent his Daddy over to check things out, assuring him that I was just fine. The doctor looked over at us and said he was just wonderful and wished us congratulations.

…and yet, my arms were strangely empty. Yet again, that silly ceremonial birth certificate – with no legal bearing, mind you – was standing in my way!

The pediatric nurse was printing Liam’s feet onto that paper before bringing him over to me.

People! You KNOW that thing is just a piece of paper, right?! Ack! I sensed annoyance creeping up over me again. Not only was this totally different from Evelyn being able to come right up to my chest, but now they were worried about making footprints?! Give me my baby you crazy people! I am about to go full on Mama Bear on you!

Thankfully, Jennifer sensed the ridiculousness of the moment and spoke up before I did, and I was quickly able to introduce myself to my brand new son.

And, it was like we had never been separated at all.

Evelyn Rae is 20 months, Liam is a day shy of 6 weeks old

...and it looks like this story is going to have an epilogue, just like his sister's.  More birthday photos to come next week!

The Birth of William Brawford: Part Four

Get caught up:

{Part One}

{Part Two}

{Part Three}

.....................

Jennifer let me know right away that the first order of business was getting my 20 minutes of pesky required monitoring out of the way. I had to lie on the bed for this and have those damn itchy monitors strapped to my belly.

I didn’t like that last time and I didn’t like it this time, but I figured I could deal for 20 minutes.

Seriously, those things are so itchy.

When and if the day comes where I have to go to a normal hospital, or a military hospital and have to have those things on all the time it is going to be the equivalent of water torture for me.

(That may be a bit dramatic).

In any case, the machines showed that baby was handling contractions super well, had the heart rates that we wanted to see, husband was texting everyone that this was really happening, and I was cleared to get in the tub!

I ran to the restroom again, changed into my bikini top and headed for the tub.

Now, let’s talk about my nurse. She was seriously the nicest lady – and she was back the next day to continue taking care of us, so I had quite the amount of time with her – but during labor, I need to be honest, she annoyed the crap out of me.

First, she held me up from getting in the tub to get me to sign a bunch of paperwork, alright, necessary, I get it...

...But then, she held me up to put my thumbprints on the ceremonial “birth certificate” that the hospital gives you. I repeat, ceremonial.

All I could think was, “Um, kind of in the middle of something here, lady! My thumbprints will be the same when I am not in labor – promise.”

Thankfully, my labor team assures me that I was nothing but nice to her (other than in my head where the snarkiness was hitting alarming heights - oh, Labor Land).

And then, “Ahhh.” Sweet bliss of the tub. Jennifer asked right before I got in if I wanted to take off my skirt before entering.

Foolishly, I said no.

She made a comment that if I wasn’t feeling the crazy desire to begin shedding my clothes, it might not be time for the tub after all. But, a few moments after entering that water and feeling that wet cloth around me I said, “Yup, that was a mistake. Someone take this thing.”

I was still having some good space between the contractions, but the pressure was getting intense. Holy Cow, I had forgotten this. I was still joking with everyone in between the contractions, and just looked down at the water when I was breathing through them.

Jennifer found a towel for me to rest my forehead on, as being up on my knees in the water was definitely the best position for me. The jets were sort of distracting so they were soon turned off.

Shortly after three, I felt a change. The pressure was so intense that it was unbelievable. I just kept saying, “the pressure, the pressure” in a sort of trance like way during contractions, which were closing in on top of one another. Jennifer talked me through it, giving me the go ahead to give a few pushes to see if my water would break to relieve some of that pressure.

I looked up and saw that she and the student midwife were both suited up to catch a baby, and that the warmer had been brought into the room!

Holy crap! This means baby time!

She also mentioned that I needed to decide where I wanted to have this baby, because once my water broke, she was pretty certain the baby wouldn’t be far behind.

I kept telling everyone that I didn’t know what I wanted to happen, and that if I didn’t feel like getting out – welp, then we were having a water birth!

I pushed tentatively to see if I could get my water to break. In my head I just kept talking to myself about how I couldn’t believe how fast this was going!

We had only been there an hour!

This was insane.

It couldn’t be time yet, could it?

I was just making everyone brunch a few hours ago!

Intermittently, my nurse had to listen to the baby’s heartbeat with a Doppler. Thankfully, they have one that can go underwater, which is great. Not so thankfully, the baby’s heartbeat was down so low that I had to push myself up out of the water so that she could reach to find it.

She asked me to sit up in between contractions, but then she could not find the heartbeat fast enough before the next one would hit, and there I was, out of the water! She was trying to work fast and the logical part of me knew it, but in my head I was getting snarkier by the minute.

Who me, annoyed? Never.

I kept groaning and pushing a bit with contractions. Jennifer remarked that I must have a bag of steel surrounding my baby for it to still be intact. I laughed inwardly and then suddenly, everything was clear and I was in the zone.

No fear, no anxiety over the speed of this labor, I was ready for this pressure to be gone and we were having this baby.

Right now.

And boom. My water broke.

It was about 3:20.

Evelyn Rae is 20 months old, Liam is 5 weeks old

...and it is snowing today! On the second day of Spring! Crazy.