14 weeks

I am 14 weeks today! Whee!

The husband took a picture, all the friends know, and everything is fun and exciting!

Oh, and I look huge. No seriously, the husband got a little scared while we were home with my parents. I showed him photos of my mom pregnant with me, and how big of a baby I was, and he is super scurred.

Me too. I hope this stays under control!

14 weeks

...and I am so excited to be showing this bump off!

Popping

It's a good thing that we are telling everyone now and didn't wait! I am starting to pop out and look pregnant instead of just chubby - which is exciting.

How could I have forgotten? I got my hair done! It is a little darker than I have had it in recent years, but closer to my natural color (haha, as if anyone knows what that is) so my roots shouldn't show as much, and I should only need one other hair appointment before Baby G is born. Crossing my fingers.

In other news, the nausea continues...so far. Here's to hoping that it will die down soon. PLEASE, please, please die down soon. I want to feel normal again! Also, I am pretty sure I am going to have to give in and bump up a bra size here shortly. Oy vey.

We head home tonight, and then it will be time to tell our friends and make the big announcement on the "Book of Faces."

Exciting times friends, exciting times.


13 weeks, 5 days along

...and I am so excited to head home and celebrate the new year with all my friends, my hubby, my puppy and my baby in utero.

Merry Christmas!

The family all knows about the new arrival!

This is our last Christmas, just the two of us, and we are so excited for next year. We decided to have our Christmas cards help with the big reveal this year.

Front

Back

The excitement continues...

Merry Christmas!


13 weeks, 2 days along

...and I am starting to pop!

Spreading the News

Well, we have told almost all of the family.

I am so excited to be telling everyone, and once Christmas Eve comes along, the whole family will know. The we can start telling friends with our super awesome Christmas cards!

All of the family is so excited, and have all been so supportive, loving and just all around awesome. We knew they would be and all, but it is so amazing to have it in person and really feel the love.

Yay! This is getting so exciting!


12 weeks, 5 days along

...and I am so excited to be home for Christmas.

12 weeks

The hubs and I had a great appointment today!

We went in for a test for Down Syndrome and Trisomy 18 that includes an ultrasound. Yay! We were slightly nervous about the test, of course, but mostly we were excited for another glance at Baby G.

Our ultrasound tech spent about 35 minutes trying to get a good profile picture of the little one, but he or she was using my uterus as a trampoline and just bouncing all over the place. A rambunctious kiddo already. Awesome!

Anyway, we got some great shots and we are so excited to share them with everyone soon. It is so reassuring to have some time listening to a strong heartbeat in there and to see what is going on inside, even though I can't feel it just yet.

Here is the photo that will be making the big reveal to all the friends and family...

Hey there world!

12 weeks, 1 day along

...and we are starting to tell family tonight! Ack!

True Confessions

I am vain. There, I said it.

Here is the thing, I like looking nice.

And because I am vain, and I have had a patch of gray hair since I was 17, I have always dyed my hair. After much researching, hemming and hawing, and sighing into the mirror every morning at the state of my tresses, I decided to just go ahead and do it.

I made an appointment today to have my hair done next week. And by "done" I mean dyed. And highlighted. And cut. And I am excited.

I waited until the magical 12 week mark (12 weeks without doing my roots? Never been done in the entire history of me dying my hair), and will be well on my way to 13 by the time the appointment comes, and I think I will be a happier momma when it is all said and done.

But, I worry, because that is what I do. I know that the salon uses much safer formulas than the filler crap in a DIY box.. I also know that every stylist I have ever asked about this have all mentioned that they not only have done it, but it is their job to dye other people's hair even when they are pregnant too.


So here goes nothing. I will let you know how I feel after.


11 weeks, 6 days along

...and I am one vain momma.

Sharing

We shared the news with another person who is not our family today, whoops.

BUT, she is like family. Plus, she asked me straight out in a FB message, and she is training to be a doula, y'all.

How exciting is all of this? Very. She was excited, we were excited to tell her, and I am so excited to be able to call her with stupid questions.

Yay!

Soon, everyone will know and it will be joyous. Not that it isn't becoming obvious with my lack of winter wardrobe.


11 weeks, 4 days along

...and my summer wardrobe would be much more forgiving of this whole pregnancy thing.

11 weeks

Today marks the 11 week, erm, mark!

Sorry, pregnancy brain has spread to my vocabulary.

Let's see...I am feeling ok. I am starting to be a little more uncomfortable when I sleep, and have found that I am sleeping much lighter than normal. (normal for me = I could sleep through a fire alarm, so this may be a good thing)

I am definitely getting bigger in the tummy. My rubber band trick is no longer working without making me super uncomfortable by the end of the day, so I am relying mainly on my belly bands (from various places) to keep my work wardrobe functional.

My nausea has sort of settled in to mainly the nights and a little in the morning. Randomly food still grosses me out, but not as much as it did. Mostly I just still crave tortilla chips.

The biggest thing is that I am starting to get really, really excited. I think this whole journey will take on a whole new level once everyone knows, and we are SO CLOSE.

Sometimes I really wonder how we thought we could keep it from our parents this long, but in a way, I am really glad that we have. Christmas will be unforgettable and getting to tell my parents in person is really important to me.

I think that friends that see me often a pretty suspicious, especially some of the husbands work friends' wives. They are totally used to me gulping down sipping a glass of Pinot like a lady, and I am pretty sure I saw them exchange winks the other night when I ordered water.

Thankfully the hiding is almost over, and one weel until our next ultrasound! So exciting.


11 weeks along

...and I am ready for the world to know I am not just fat.

Finally...

a pregnancy calendar I can get behind!

http://alphamom.com/pregnancy-calendar-overview/

Hilarious and informative in just the right amounts, for when I am not feeling super neurotic and want to see actual in-someone's-uterus-how-did-you-ever-accomplish-this photos. 

10 weeks and 4 days along

...and this is my second post in one day.

Phew.

This weekend was the last one that we needed to hide little Baby G's existence from the hubs family...and we did it!

My SIL was in town staying with us this weekend, so that we could go wedding dress shopping for her (yay! I love weddings!). Of course, we were out with my MIL as well, so I had some trepidations about the success of hiding my symptoms from them (super sonic smelling that makes me gag).

In order to help the hiding, I stopped by Motherhood Maternity on Friday afternoon and grabbed a few options for "forgiving" clothing.

I ended up wearing this dress, even though the hubs hated it.

Clearly I did not look that preggo in this thing

He didn't like the sleeves? He legitimately looked at me and said, "it's not like your arms are going to get that big." GAH.

Dear husband, sometimes I just look at you when you talk and think "Seriously?" Love, Wifey.

But I digress. Anywho, I threw it on with some leggings and flats and I think it did the trick. I kept me comfy and less nauseous (no pressure on the tummy) and the girls thought it was cute (even though I had to lie on where I got it). We took some photos that day so I will try and find one of me in the dress to throw up here.

10 weeks, 4 days along

...and I will be so excited when I can proudly show off my bump instead of trying to hide it!

10 Weeks

10 weeks along, and no photo. Lame. Maybe we will take one tonight.

Here are the symptom updates:

Nausea
Brushing my teeth has become my own personal hell. Seriously, I gag every time. I thought I was settling into a nice routine of just being ill in the evenings, but then the mornings started up again the other day. So, we will see...from everything I hear, I have the hope of all hopes that in two weeks we will have another nice picture of Baby G and I can look forward to nausea coming to an end. Yay!

Skin
I look worse than I did at 15 in the face. Seriously, where is the glow people, where is the glow?

Weight/Clothes
Hardly any of my clothes fit, and I am starting to wonder if I am even going to have to tell the husband's family when we get back from Christmas, or if I will just walk in the room and be like "Surprise!"

In other news, the BeBand is probably the best invention ever. Saving my work clothes.

Cravings/Aversions
Come and go. Sometimes I can eat everything in sight, and sometimes just the sight of something makes me want to throw up all over. ::shrug:: It's a miracle, right?

Cramps/Pain
I get weird pains every now and again, dull pains mind you, throughout my uterus area and hips. I have been assured that all of this is just my uterus stretching and growing to make room for baby, but I can't help but worry about these things from time to time. Total loss of control over your own body = awesome.

Mental State
When is pregnancy brain supposed to start? Is it a product of fatigue? In any case, I know I am losing my mind. I have walked out of the house twice this week without my sunglasses. That is a huge deal for this BA who wears her sunglasses at night. (mostly because i use them as a headband)


All in all I am really enjoying being pregnant regardless of all of these things. It is just so cool.  (That didn't sound very English Major-y, did it?)

It is just inexplicably wondrous. (there!)

I am really, really excited to begin telling more people soon. I just know that this baby is going to be surrounded with so much love, and I want it to start as soon as possible!


10 weeks along

....and I am so excited we are in the double digits!

Worst...

Wife/Healthy Mom ever.

This nausea and smell thing is getting ooc. I am trying really hard not to be whiny, but this is ridiculous.

I think the Hubs feelings are about to be hurting, because seriously any time he leans in for a kiss I want to vomit all over him. How embarrassing would that be? Mortifying.

It doesn't seem to matter what he has just eaten, or maybe it is just the fact that he is leaning near my mouth, but I have literally had to push him away from kissing me for the past three days. Lame!

Worst wife award.

Also, I am officially craving bacon and tortilla chips. Warm tortilla chips.Yum.

What this probably means is that I am craving salt, and that I am slightly dehydrated (though I am drinking more water than I ever have before in my life). In any case, I gave in the other day and had Taco Bell for lunch, just so I could order chips.

Worst healthy mom award.

Life fail.

*In all seriousness I know that both of these things will go away soon, so no worries about me being actually heartbroken about these things.*


9 weeks and 6 days along

...and nachos with bacon crumbles sounds delicious to me right now.

Superpower

After all these years of wishing and hoping, I finally have a superpower!

Super Smell. 

It may not be the flying or invisibility I thought I wanted, but it is here.

Yesterday, when leaving work, I all of a sudden smelled cigarette smoke. Like someone was sitting in the car, blowing it in my face. So strong.

I looked and looked and looked around, and there, there it was. 5 cars in front of me and one lane over to the right, someone had their window cracked with a little ember glowing.

"Are you kidding me?" actually came out loud out of my mouth. To no one in particular. (Sometimes I talk to myself. It is totally normal.)

This whole pregnancy thing is wacky. I alternate between super smell and a stuffy nose every day. Stuffy nose, apparently another common symptom among preggys.

9 weeks, 5 days along

...and you can call me "The Nose" ...wait, don't. Ever.

Thanksgiving

Oy. Well, our wine plan didn't work out as well as we hoped. Unfortunately, Baby Daddy had to go to the ship to check on his sailors and make sure their Thanksgiving dinner was going well, etc. Which is really actually great (that we make sure to do that for our sailors, and he got to see them all and wish a Happy Turkey Day), but was unfortunate for us because as soon as he left the wine started flowing.

I held that glass of wine, and pretended to sip it for an hour and a half y'all. Lol. How obvious can I be? I still think no one really thinks it is happening. So, we may still be safe, though we may have planted a seed.

Also, how hard is it to go around the table and to say what you are thankful for and not say the most important thing that we are thankful for??? So hard.

Oh! and Thanksgiving was exactly 9 weeks, so we snapped a photo.

Clearly I am sticking it out a little bit here, but there is definitely something growing...

9 weeks 1 day

...and I really am thankful for all the nausea and fatigue.

Rough night

Last night started out great. It was beautiful outside, and the husband swept me off to Panera for a Broccoli Cheddar Bread Bowl. YUM.

Then, it was so beautiful, we decided to take a walk. This is where things get hairy.

I fell.

Hard.

I tripped over a root since it is so stinking dark outside at insanely early hours now. I was so scared. I immediately thought of Baby G and hoped that everything was ok, and then of my dog whose leash I was holding and let go of when I fell. I was petrified he would run into the street.

Oh, and then I thought of me...and the new maternity jeans I was testing out on the walk and hoped I didn't just ruin them.

The husband rushed to my side to help me, and was my knight in shining armor walking home. I think, think everything is ok...though I have been a little crampy today :(

Me = worried.

I think it may be the new medication that I am on causing the crampy-ness, so let's hope for that.


When we got home, I got ready for bed and began brushing my teeth so that I could dive into my HP books (yes, I am reading them again) and not think about my fall and the awful feelings in my heart I was having.

Y'all. I threw up. Le sigh.

I was beginning to hope that all of this would just be nausea and then it would go away! But, alas it is not to be. My nausea has been settling in on more the mornings and the nights which is better, I guess. But, it has kept right on trucking.

The worst part is, I know that taking care of my teeth is so important, but I gag every time I brush my teeth. and if that is now going to include throwing up, and then having to brush my teeth again...this could turn into a vicious cycle pretty quickly.

Let's hope it was a one time thing.


8 weeks, 5 days along

....and I had a rough night.

When grown men pout...

As I was coming home from meetings last night, of that organization of college women I advise as a volunteer, I was so mad I could have spit! They screwed up, and though it is not the first time and it won't be the last it just makes me so mad because they are better than this! Argh.

Anywho, that is the context of this real conversation that happened last night at Casa Accelerated:


Me: What do you want to do for dinner? I am way too worked up to cook, plus I thought I was going to be home hours ago...

Husband: Well, I would really like something healthy, like sushi. I was going to go and get it for myself, right when you came home, so I could finish it before you got back

Me: (Blank stare) (yes it was just like the boldness intends it to be)

Husband: But, I guess that probably isn't a good idea, since you can't have it, right? (side note: I LOVE sushi with my whole heart and soul)

Me: Yeah, probably not. Look, I don't care what we eat, we could eat Taco Bell for all I care, I just need to stop being so mad at these girls.

Husband: Welllllll, what if we run and grab YOU Taco Bell, and then we can grab ME sushi? Would that be ok?

Me (calmly): I just got home from meetings that made me so mad, I want to punch someone in the face. If you would like that person to be you, yes, please continue with your plan to eat sushi in front of me. (TY preggy hormones for this burning rage)

Husband (in a small voice): ok, ok. No sushi. Man, I really wanted sushi tonight. (Proceeds to stick his lip out and pout. No, seriously.)

We ended up at Subway.

Scene.

8 weeks, 4 days along

...and let's not even talk about my husband only started drinking coffee when I got pregnant.

Lies, lies, lies

We have had to lie our butts off to friends and family this weekend! And with Thanksgiving this Thursday we will only be lying some more.

The hubs and I attended my awesome sister-in-law's engagement party this weekend. We had so much fun, and managed to hide the fact that I wasn't really drinking from everyone.

How you ask? Here's how.

During the champagne toast we stood to the back. During toasts I held the glass to my lips and pretended to drink. The hubs would actually drink. Then we would swap glasses. So, both of our glasses steadily decreased in that bubbly-nectar-from-the-gods-that-i-miss-so-much and no one was the wiser. Yay us!

Our plan is the same for wine on Thursday...much easier since we can strategically leave glasses and pick them up instead of trading back and forth in our hands.

(We are so sneaky! Yesssss! I love us!)

Also, super funny moment. SIL was chatting with me and a mutual friend who is also trying right now (crossing my fingers for them SO hard) and she mentioned that she didn't think either of us would be able to hide it very well if we were pregnant and keeping it from everyone. Hahahaha. On the outside I soberly nodded, but on the inside I was cracking up.

and trying REALLY hard not to just blurt it out right then. BUT, I didn't.

a. it was her night and I am NOT trying to take away from that. Shine on SIL, shine on.
b. we made a pact not to tell the fam until we could tell all the fams in person.
c. there is no c. those were the reasons I held onto with all my might instead of blurting it all out there with so many friends and family that we loved in that very room. GAH, so hard.

I cannot wait until we hit that next appointment at 12 weeks and everything is fine and we can share our news with the WORLD.


8 weeks, 3 days along.

...and it is KILLING me not to shout this from the rooftops.

Photo Op

Here you go - our little peanut!

Can't really see? Here.

Isn't that amazing? and weird?

But mostly amazing. Right?


8 weeks, 2 days along

...and I think that technology is pretty darn cool.

First Appointment, First Look

We had a great appointment yesterday. Seriously, I don't even know if I can put this into words. I have been really concerned about the possibility of a miscarriage since I found out I was pregnant, and because of that I think I have been really distancing myself from feeling excited.

But, yesterday was exciting, and amazing.

There is really no other way to describe it.

I wasn't sure what we would see, of if I would be like Rachel on Friends and not be able to see the baby on the ultrasound, or even if everything would be ok.

Husband and I waited around nervously and anxiously. The nurses took me back for lab work, and started asking me questions. The asked, "How do you feel?" and I cracked "Fat - haha. " Not even a smile! I mean, seriously people? When I am nervous I make bad jokes. They were very nice later though, and laughed with me when they realized I was joking.

Then we called husband back and went into the room. And there it was, the ultrasound machine...screen all on and ready to go. Austin got to stand there clothed, while I stripped down and put the little wrap around shirt on and jumped up on the table with a sheet to cover up my nether regions.

(Also, side note here...I am a tall person, but not super tall. That shirt barely graces the surface on the table behind me when I am sitting there. I inevitably feel like I am mooning whoever walks in. Medical profession? Can we do something about that?)

As we sat there, husband paced around the room, investigating all the buttons and machines without actually touching anything and making inappropriate and immature jokes...which he does when nervous. He was trying to keep me laughing so I could relax, and suddenly it worked.

Right before the doctor came in, I looked over at him and said, "Do you ever feel like you are just pretending to be this grown up?" and he replied, "Yup, and I am certainly having that moment right now."

Then the doc came in with the nurse and introductions were made all around. The doc explained what was going on, what would happen, made a few jokes about how long it took us to get pregnant (since I was just there a month ago for my annual exam and had talked to him about the possibility...little did I know I was working on getting pregnant at that very moment.)

And then, then came the ultrasound machine, and all of a sudden, up there on the monitor in front of me - there was a baby! It looked like a baby. We could see a head, arms and legs, and a heart beating!

I was so relieved, and so happy, and so floored at how everything had worked out like it was supposed to thus far. I kept laughing because I was so happy, and the husband just kept saying "Oh, wow". That little figure up on the screen was moving and flipping around like crazy.

Then the doctor turned on the sound for us to hear the heartbeat.

Amazing. Insert every clichéd thing you have ever heard about the miracle of life here, except when it happens to you, it won't be a cliché. It will be awesome.

The doctor measured everything and said even though the standard wheel had set my due date for June 30th, he would set it at June 28th based on how the baby was measuring.  The size looked on point, and the heart rate was great. He moved some stuff around and showed me other fun things, like how I had ovulated from my right side, the yolk sac, all sorts of things. Then he took pictures of the "peanut", as he called it, and printed them out for us to take home.

I will try and scan them tonight to stick them up here for completeness, but let me just tell you my favorite part of that day and experience was after the doctor and nurse left the husband and I alone in there, and we got to spend some precious moments together. It was awesome. I know I keep saying that, but it just really was.

We had some boring follow up stuff afterwards and blood drawing, none of which really registered after such an exciting moment right before. Also, I am still a little worried about miscarriage until I hit 12 weeks (in a month!) and other things of course that could go wrong, but overall I am so relieved and feel so blessed that everything has worked out so far...........and I will blog about all of that later, but for now I leave you with this:

Marriage is awesome, babies are awesome and moments with your spouse and babies together, are even awesomer.

We had a great day.

8 weeks and 1 day along

This is it!

First appointment today, in a matter of hours.

I am so excited/nervous/anxious (insert Thesaurus here.) So (insert feelings here) that I feel like I could throw up all over the place. Oh wait, that happens every day.

Hopefully we will have good news to share tonight!

Oh yeah, and I am 8 weeks today! Yay!



8 weeks along.

Saying goodbye...

...to my clothes.

I am a few days from 8 weeks and again, my clothes are all getting ridiculously tight.

No worries, I brought photographic proof.

a. This skirt fit, and the hem was a little longer, just two months ago. Now that I have to hitch it up higher to fasten, it is going to the back of the closet into the "I hope I can fit into this again someday section" le sigh. I am a dreamer.

b. I convinced myself I looked totally normal and awesome in this skirt when looking at me from the front. Then I caught this side view. It was too late to change and make it to work on time, so I went with it...and regretted it halfway through the day.

What the heck. Cute shoes though, right?

Oh, also, I gave in and bought a BeBand from Target, so this is the skirt only hooked with a BeBand and not zipped. Are you serious?

7 weeks, 5 days

A week to go...

Until our first OB appointment, that is. I am so excited. I just want to know that everything is okay and what is going on in there is all totally normal. I am nervous, of course, but trying to relax and not be "Control Freak Courtney" (The husband has a tendency to give me Barbie-type names for different events in my life, i.e. "College Haircut Courtney"...)

I have been still feeling pretty continually nauseous, though I haven't actually thrown up yet. Score one for me!

The "girls" are getting a little bigger, which is weird-o for me. I have been holding it down at a solid B cup for pretty much my whole adult life, so yeah. All of a sudden some of my work shirts border on inappropriate. Awesome!

In other news, my clothes don't fit around my middle and I feel like a hippo. No one knows that I am knocked up, so I am sure they all just think I am putting on the pounds, double awesome! I advise my local collegiate sorority chapter, and I had to be in business attire last night with them. A skirt from one of my skirt suits, that fit perfectly the last time I wore it two months ago, looked like the seams were about to burst last night. SUPER appropriate "Advisor Courtney". Way.to.go.

As soon as I get the a-ok (crossing my fingers for luck) from the doctor, that everything is going well...I may just go start investing in some maternity pants. My summer dresses are all getting pulled out for work and being paired with leggings, tights and cardigans to help make them more appropriate for the office. This can only work for so long.

It's hard to think that this little thing, the size of a blueberry, is causing my life to be so different already. I know, I know, and we are only just getting started.

7 weeks along

This morning...

I gagged myself with my toothbrush.

That is all.

6 weeks, 1 day

Another week

Another week has passed. Today I am six weeks pregnant. I have not had any issues since Tuesday, so I am hoping and praying that everything is ok.

We will know for sure in two weeks when I go in for my appointment.

As a show of good faith, I snapped a shot of me at 6 weeks this morning. I don't look that different yet I guess to others, but I certainly feel it. My jeans are tight. Like seriously. It is almost like permanent PMS bloat, and then like 10% more of that. I am drinking more water than I ever have in my whole life if feels like, and yet, here I am, all bloaty. But happy :)

Excuse the PJs, and poor photo taking...

I have never really been one for myspace style photos (read: in the mirror), 

so it may take some practice.

6 weeks

A Spot

I wasn't feeling the greatest yesterday, and my symptoms seemed to have abated for a moment. We ran some errands and things and then I got home and went to the bathroom.

There it was.

A tiny spot.

Immediate dread filled my heart as at the same time I tried to calm myself down. This can be perfectly normal, I thought. Or, it could mean the worst. This could be nothing, I thought. Or it could be everything. I began recounting my symptoms - was I any less nauseous today than other days? Were my breasts less tender? What could have happened?

I took a deep breath, laid down on the couch and told the husband. He responded the same way as me, "I could be perfectly normal, so let's try not to worry about it."

The loss of control over this whole thing is a whole new experience for me. I really have absolutely no control over what happens with this pregnancy. Outside of eating right and avoiding smoke, paint fumes, all the 'bad' stuff that women did for years and still had healthy babies...

I monitored the situation overnight and saw nothing more. I still didn't feel at ease in the morning, and found it hard to believe that a tiny spot, less than what a paper cut might produce, was able to cause this much panic in me. I called the doctor. They took me through some different scenarios and everything seems to be fine. Should it come back I should call back in, but so far everything looks good.

We have our appointment in two weeks, and I think I will be anxious until then.

5 weeks, 5 days

Today

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant. It still does not feel real to me. It's almost like this whole experience has been an out of body one sometimes.

I am so excited and so terrified all at the same time.

Still feeling pretty nauseous, and now I have the added joy of my boobs hurting. all.the.time. Over share, I know, but this is what this blog is about!

I have a Doc appointment scheduled for the 18th of November. By then I will be 8 weeks on the dot.

Craziness.

5 weeks along

Symptoms

Maybe I was naive in thinking that my pregnancy (ies hopefully someday!) would be just like my mother's. But, I hoped nonetheless.

She never had even a hint of nausea in all of her 3 pregnancies, and felt so energetic and motivated, she said it was great.

Well, already I have experienced smell aversions, nausea, fatigue, vivid dreams, not sleeping well and generally feeling fat. My jeans don't fit! How is this the case already? I am only 4 weeks along! (The whole 4 weeks thing, when really I have only been pregnant for two because of ovulation is all kind of weird, but that's another post). Apparently with the influx of hormones comes a constant state of PMS-type bloat.

The waves of nausea hit like a ton of bricks and then are gone within a few minutes (usually). But, this is a very new and strange world for this girl with a cast iron stomach. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I have thrown up in my adult life. Ugh. I hate throwing up, so hopefully it won't come to that.

I am probably being naive again, but if I am, don't say anything. I beg you.

4 weeks, 6 days

In the loop

So, I told the hubs last night! He is so excited!

I took him dinner on the barge, and while we were eating a friend came by...and continued to sit and chat with us for the next 2 hours. He was such a nice guy, and H had no idea that I had anything of importance to tell him in private...so we sat, and chatted. Finally, when I got the chance I took out his "anniversary present". He was so mad at me, since he didn't have the time to get me anything, that he almost didn't open it. He felt awful.

But, I insisted. And I kept saying "I only spent $5". Which is true. Earlier in the day I went out and bought something that only cost about $5. I have video of him opening it that I will try and post, but for the imagination, it is the tiniest little onesie in the NWU camo pattern, with a little Navy emblem on the chest.

He opened it and looked at me, with a questioning glance (this is where the video cuts off...I need to investigate the issue on our camera) and then breaks into a HUGE grin and starts repeating, "are you serious????"

He came over and gave me the biggest hug, while I just giggled and laughed and smiled and all together felt crazy and unsure of myself. And then, then he slowed down and looked at me and said, "I love you so much, and I am so happy."

And with that, my heart melted and I no longer felt so unsure.

18 DPO

A different answer.

Well folks, this morning I took a test...

and it was positive!

I am a little in shock. I guess my instincts a few days ago about not being pregnant were a bit off. I haven't told anyone yet, not even the husband. Ack! So excited!

This morning, I don't know, I just felt like maybe I should just go ahead and do it - take the test. I have been crampy for the last few days, and even though I kept expecting my period, it just never came. Fertility friend "suggested" I take a test two days ago and I hadn't.

I figured it would be no big deal, so I got up this morning and let the dog out. I headed to the bathroom and turned on the shower to warm the water while I rummaged for one of the pregnancy tests I bought in bulk when they were on sale at the commissary. I took the test, got up to grab a towel and glanced back. The directions said 3 minutes. Within 10 seconds there were two pink lines. Clear as day.

I leaned forward to the windowsill, and blinked. Rubbed my eyes (since I am irresponsible and sleep with my contacts in pretty often) and looked again. There they were. Two pink lines. I stood up straight immediately and gasped. "Could it be this easy?" I thought. Apparently.

I am trying not to count my chickens, as they say. I have known too many friends who have gone through rough early pregnancy complications...but right now I am just feeling so, so blessed and thankful.

Sunday is the husband and I's 10 year date-iversary. I think I will surprise him with the news then.

If I can keep it in.

16 DPO (Days Past Ovulation)

Round 2

I haven't written on this little blog in a while. Like a month, hm, weird. This is mainly due to my new job at work which has me drowning in students. Yikes.

But, also, I don't really know what to write about. I know, I know - write about your feelings. But, I don't really know how I feel. So, stream of consciousness it is. Here we go:

I am not sure if I am preggo'd or not this month. I don't think I am, but I haven't had any below the line temperatures. And, I ovulated early. Weird.

Our timing with this whole rolling the dice thing has not been great, so while there is a chance, it is definitely not as likely as if we were trying. I find myself getting a little more annoyed with this whole "rolling the dice" thing. My type A personality is beginning to rear its ugly head. I mean, are we trying or are we not?

The whole point of this thing was to avoid the crazy, but I think we could be trying without being crazy. It certainly couldn't be worse than how crazy I feel debating whether or not I should say "Husband, don't freak out, but it's a good day, so let's go." This whole guilt of knowledge and seducing my husband because I want to or because I want to get pregnant, gah. It's too much.

For him it is rolling the dice. He doesn't ask, and he doesn't know. He doesn't see my charts or temperatures or whatever. He is just free and easy. Oy.

I try to talk to him about this and tell him how I feel, but he says we are talking about it too much and this is the whole point of this approach. But, I don't think he gets it. I can't stop thinking about it. I have to at least once every day as I enter in my temps. And then I am wondering about all the random little symptoms.

It's not like it is a constant, but it fleetingly enters my mind throughout the day. Mainly because it is my body and I have no idea what is going on in there. I swear I am not crazy, in fact I feel pretty darn relaxed about the whole thing, but since we aren't really sharing this news with anyone else, I would like to share it with him.

Sometimes he is up for it, but more often than not, he just groans and says "We talk about babies too much" But, then he says things like "Halloween will be so much fun when we have babies" and blah blah. I know he wants them, but he is weird about it. This is also how he was about weddings right before he proposed. Hmm.

In any case, we are still trucking along in life, we still have a great relationship, and this hasn't really affected us, which is great. I just find myself trying to constantly analyze why he doesn't want to talk about this as much as me. I am sure it is a normal man thing. I heard once that "a woman is a mom from the second the second line on the test appears, and a man is a father at birth" So, maybe that's it. Who knows.

Also, I went in for my annual gyno exam. AWESOME. Everything looked great, and when I mentioned we may be trying soon the doc said, "Everything looks good, so have fun". GAH.

Side note: This doc also delivered my friend's babies and MY SISTER. So, he has seen the nether-regions of my friend, her two daughters, my mom, my sister, and now me. Weird? I think so.

I think that's all I have for today.

An answer

And our answer is nope, not yet. I had a pretty conclusive answer today - thank you Biology!

Truth be told, I have mixed emotions about the revelation. I am a little bit relieved, as we have many things up in the air right now in our little fam. And I am trying to time out not being a hugely pregnant bridesmaid in either of two weddings I am in this Spring and Fall.

I am also a little bit sad, as the Baby Fever is still present, though I am trying to keep it from edging into crazy land.

That being said, without trying to jinx anything, next month would be perfect timing. <3

We shall see, we shall see.

Feelings

Well, we are still playing the waiting game. And, wait we shall.

I have no idea if I am KU'd or not. At this point I feel pretty ok with that. A friend asked me this weekend, "Do you feel pregnant?"

After reflecting, no, I most undoubtedly do not feel pregnant. But, how does one feel pregnant?

In my heart of hearts, I don't think that I am. And, I am pretty ok with that. I know that our timing (gah) wasn't all that great this month, since we are intentionally trying to be unintentional. We are weirdos. I am aware.

It is sort of fun though to see what is going on. it is like a little mystery with tiny clues that could mean a million things when you are charting. For example, today I had a little dip in temperature, after being way up from my last post for the last four days. Does that mean I am not? Who knows. It could or it couldn't.

At this point I am almost viewing these clues as a third party. Sort of clinically evaluating all of the options. And, even control freak that I can be sometimes, I am sort of fine with it. (It being the not knowing).

The same friend asked why in the heck I hadn't peed on a stick yet. Well, I thought about it and here is why. Sometimes knowing more isn't all that great. If, in fact, I am late, and if in fact I am late enough to merit peeing on a stick, then I will. If Aunt Flo comes to visit, then I won't. No harm, no foul.

Does that make me less excited? I don't think so. But the more and more research I do, the more I learn about chemical pregnancies and early stage miscarriages that women who are hoping for a baby are heartbroken over, when they wouldn't have known anything was out of the ordinary if they hadn't jumped to pee on a stick so early.

I don't think I can deal with that sort of emotional range in the span of a few days. Not that I can't deal with those specific emotions per say, but I don't think I would be able to keep myself from going all "Baby Rabies" (great blog!) if I knew that that had happened. (You see what had happened was...)

Does that make any sense?

So, while we can still take it easy during these first few months in this new land of tryingforababy (gah! say it really fast and maybe no one will notice you are talking about it...), we will.

Still Waiting...

Welp, I guess I have officially ovulated. Gah. Weird.

When you are "charting" or taking your resting temperature every morning (which then apparently reflects the levels of estrogen and progesterone and all sorts of fun things) and your temperature spikes, that means you ovulated. Yay! Congrats.

Seriously though, the fact that your temperature can tell you all of this. Out of control, right? The human body is amazing.

Actually my chart. 

Proof that yet again this blog may never see the light of day.

I started charting just to see what was going on "in there" and to be informed about my body. It has been kind of awesome to see it all come together. In the coming months we may be using this for a more important process of course. But, like I said before, we are just taking it easy. Rollin' the dice.

That being said, the website I use to chart, has now told me that our "rolling the dice" has resulted in a score of "good" for being pregnant this cycle. What?! Are we ready for this? (Insert logical in head conversation - are you ever really ready for something so life changing? blah blah blah) I am a leetle excited as well, but I think I am afraid to let myself get so hyped this early in the process.

So, we wait. But, as I discovered yesterday - this website, which is freaking amazing I tell ya, has calculated a good date for me to take a test, barring any arrival of good ol' Aunt Flo.

So, we wait. Until September 28th.

If I can stand it that long.

The Waiting Game

The way that the husband and I have decided to go about this whole "laissez-fair trying" business is sort of maddening.

The whole point is so we aren't worrying and constantly thinking about it.

He is succeeding.

I am not.

I can't stop thinking about it. I can only imagine what would be going on if everyone and their mother (our our mothers for that matter) knew that we were not preventing. At the heart of the matter, I am a people pleaser. This is the issue.

If everyone knew, I would feel not only my own disappointment if it doesn't happen right away for us, but that of the other people hoping for our little Baby G too. I know that is completely ridiculous. That people would not be disappointed with me, or with us, per say. But, there would be little twinges of disappointment. And that would be tough. I think about it all enough anyways (is this what "baby fever" is?) I can't even imagine if people were constantly asking me about it.

Then there is me having more knowledge about this whole process than the hubs. It's not that he is uninterested, but it's not his body, so he's not as interested in all of the charting stuff. And, it allows him to be more relaxed to not know.

Which is how it is supposed to be for both of us.

But, it's not.

I am charting, and I know that today will be better than tomorrow, or that a certain day is my predicted ovulation, blah blah blah. I feel like it is insider trading to not tell him. Gah.

And then there is the waiting. It might have happened. Did it happen? Who knows. Those two weeks of luteal phase and then actually being 'late' seem like forever away. Le sigh.

Patience may be a virtue, but it is certainly not one of mine.

Jumping and Squealing

Today I found out that a friend of a friend, who happens to be a super cool lady - is pregnant! If we had ever lived in the same state we would most assuredly be better friends in our own right since she is just that cool.

Anywho, she had our mutual friend drop me a line about her news in case I too had a bun in the oven...so we could do 'the internet equivalent of jumping and squealing together' before telling the whole world. So cute!

I am super excited for her and her hubby - and it would have been super sweet if we could have been/may still be Preggo Pals, since we are already Bungalow Buddies (both of those I just coined now) and have in the past been Soul Sisters. They have been together for forever, much like me and my mister.

What an exciting time in our friends' lives. It is so funny to think just a few years ago we were all going crazy in college and now people are settling down left and right. The wave of engagements and marriages, then buying houses and now the wave of babies. All these waves of the common phases of life, and they seem like even bigger waves thanks to social networking like Facebook.

Coming soon, to Facebook pages near you - little league, dance recitals and who knows what else. Kind of exciting.

A letter...

Dear (future) Baby G,

Some days, on days like today, I feel well equipped and confidant that we will have no problems having you when we want you. That having a baby is a natural process and that nature will just take its course.

This may be because, on days like today, I want to be pregnant and then to have you and to cuddle your cute little downy head with my whole heart and soul. I know that some would say that this may be just my hormones talking, and that I may just have a bad case of baby fever, but I know that it isn't. I know that I want to be a mother - your mother.

And this, this is what helps me to know that everything will work out just fine. That your dad and I really are ready to be a momma and a daddy. That we are ready for the ups and downs, whenever the time is deemed right (by powers much bigger than us) you will arrive and we will fulfill new roles. This is not to say that it won't be hard - your daddy is really selfish about his sleep, so be prepared for secret jokes between us about that - but we know that the challenges are all worth it.

We have been dreaming about you for quite some time Baby G, but it is really only in the last few months that a far off dream seemed to consolidate into something tangible and close. Even though you are still our little fantasy. I know that you are waiting for us to be perfectly ready before you rock our world with your arrival - any child of mine will have a dramatic entrance - but I just wanted to let you know, I think we are almost there.

Love,

Your Momma

Here we go.

It seems a bit premature to be writing for this "blog" or to even have created it. I don't know if any of these writings will ever see the light of day, let alone the glowing screen of anyone's computer monitor. But, I felt the need to start writing in here for myself. To keep track of my thoughts and feelings. You know, as blogging was first intended.

Where to start? Let's start with where we are now. The hubs and I want a baby. There it is, out there in black and white.

We know we want a baby, and we know we want one soon. There are days when the yearning to be pregnant and to have a little one of my own to cuddle and nourish and teach the ways of the world overwhelms me. To see a little one made with half of me and half of the person who has taken up space in half of my own soul.

And then there are days when some kid is screaming bloody murder in target when I think "whew".

The yearning and the wanting are new things for me, the relief that that parent isn't me? Not so new.

Hubs and I have had a check in system since we got engaged about the whole kiddo readiness thing. I would say, "How are your feelings on kids today?"

And he would reply, "70% excited, and 30% scared out of my mind"

My replies were usually all over the place, but have for months now been at 98% excited out of my mind and 2% scared. We are both there now and figure those are pretty good odds, because who in their right minds wouldn't be a teensy bit anxious about all that goes along with kids?

Then there are the external factors. The biggest of which is money, mooh-lah and cash. There are many issues here in this economy dealing with dollar signs. Job security? general ability to afford life? Plus, I have wanted with my whole heart and soul to be able to stay home with my kids since I can remember. At least when they are small. (we can get into the whole well then why the heck did you go in to debt to go to graduate school garbage later...)

Then there are the issues with the hubby's profession. He is in the Navy, which means we need to hopefully time for when he will actually be around for this baby to be born. Nothing like a narrow window to make this process smooth and relaxed.

Then there is the whole stress of getting pregnant. After years of trying not to, suddenly you want to. What if? What if it isn't easy for us? What if this whole thing takes way longer than we want it to? and the most dreaded what if of all, what if we can't?

But, beyond all odds and beyond all stress and what ifs, we still want to try. Which is how we have arrived at this point.

We are not pregnant, yet. (knock on wood. to the yet part. knocking on wood is confusing)

But, I am off of birth control. I am charting, which is interesting. It started as a way of learning my body off of the pill, and has become an interesting little routine. Now that we are at the point where we may start using that information I feel sort of amazed by it all. I just hope everything works.

Now as we have felt this whole thing out, we have decided to go about "trying" (gah. ew. shudder. I mean really, who wants to know?) in a sort of relaxed way.

The husband calls it "rolling the dice" - he's such a romantic.

Meaning, we are not preventing, but we aren't doing the whole crazy trying business. All I can think of is that part in She's Having a Baby, where they are both so unhappy and just trying, trying, trying to get pregnant. No thank you. But, it is so hard to be charting and to not be interpreting those signs. I know when are good times and when are not so good times. Ugh. The burden of knowledge.

The more I write, the more I feel like I will never put this on the internet. TMI.

Anyway, so there we are.

We want kids - 100%.
We want kids now - 98%.

Based on those odds, we are rolling the dice.