Mental State

Remember when I used to do Bump Updates?

Every week?

Hahaha. Oh, the glorious days before two mobile children were my primary responsibility.

In any case, I used to include a little section called "Mental State" just to check in with how I was thinking, feeling, etc. about the impending birth of my kiddos.

My mental state currently is a bit overwhelming. Today, I am 37 weeks along, which used to be considered "full term" - and though I am a firm believer in letting babies cook, I am legitimately all over the freaking place mentally.

Liam's birthday and party were this sort of deadline that I had arbitrarily constructed in my head - after that was over, *then* it would be time to worry about baby.

Which…

Can I just, for a minute…

Oh, precious boy.

…and now it's over, and I look around and think - ACK!

This is going to be a total mind dump, stream of consciousness, exactly what comes to mind kind of a post. Come, see what is inside my head.

First, I am having increased pressure and contractions, which is making me lose my damn mind. I keep thinking that I could go into labor at any second (which, you know - possible, but not likely given that we are still only at 37 weeks).

This is driving me crazy, because I should be relaxing and putting up my feet, but instead I launch into some ridiculous project.

See: sewing. Sewing ALL THE THINGS.

Alternatively, I am the most tired person in the world. So, I start ridiculous projects and then about half way through just want to go to sleep.

I think the kiddos are starting to get wise to the fact that there are BIG LIFE CHANGES coming their way, and they are becoming increasingly needy and snuggly - which, yay, but booooo.

We haven't had a night without either of them, or both of them, wandering into our bed in…a few weeks. Given that we have a Queen sized bed, my giant pregnant belly, and the fact that they care naught for taking up all the space in said bed, sleep is even rougher than third trimester usual stuff with heartburn and heaving yourself over to, you know, roll over.

The other morning I actually retreated to Evelyn's bed to try to get some rest at about 4:30 am.

That's a new low.

It is also a strange time because we aren't sure if this will be our last baby. I feel simultaneously like I should be enjoying and marveling at this pregnancy and pregnant state more, and that I am so ready to be done with pregnancy. It's…strange.

I had my 36 week appointment this last week, which the whole family attended. {Amusing.}

But, we did a confirmation of head down position via ultrasound, so that was super fun. We got to see G3's cute little profile and the midwife checked everything else out too. She actually accidentally saw the sex of our baby - uh oh! - even though she totally didn't mean to (I'm just glad we weren't looking), because now she is all worried about being careful with pronouns.

 I assured her we just wouldn't pay attention... but now that is driving me batty, too!

We are so close and I sort of just want to know. TERRIBLE.

Additionally, we finally toured the L and D ward at the hospital and I am a little thrown. Not much, as I was anticipating everything we saw, had asked all the questions before, etc. But still - it's different to see the rooms and just how…hospital-y they are, in comparison to my past birth experiences.

Both of my babies have been adorably convenient and born in the mid afternoon, with sunlight streaming in through the windows.

…these rooms have no windows.

Yikes.

I am a visualization for preparation person, and it is much harder to form a mental picture of myself giving birth in those rooms than it was at the midwifery center. I know that most of that stuff will hopefully fly away when actually in birth but it's rough for my psyche.

Considering that our "home" doesn't really feel 100% like "home" yet to me, this is just another thing that makes me….eh.

But it's not all negative stuff running through my mind - I am actually starting to get so excited about meeting this baby. I have had small peaks of it before now, and I feel myself surging into full blown excitement mode.

I cannot even conceptualize myself with three children, and that this new being will be just as loved as the two already driving me crazy with reckless and wild emotion at any given moment, but I know that he or she will be. It's so similar to right before Liam was born.

I couldn't imagine life with another, and then, all of a sudden, I couldn't imagine it without him.

I know that will happen again - but in the meantime I will just marvel at this in-between existence of wanting to know and love this baby, and wondering if I will have enough - of everything - to give to all of them.

I am torn between wanting to meet this baby now and wanting baby to chill for a bit so we can accomplish ALL THE THINGS. I know that we will never accomplish all of it, and babies come when they want, and thankfully, since this ain't my first rodeo, I also know how little "stuff" babies actually require.

But still.

I would like to feel settled. I believe this will help make the baby and other children feel more settled as well.

I would like to feel ready. That the house is totally a home. It is the first home the baby will know, even if it doesn't quite feel like it to the rest of us yet. Maybe it will to the rest of us because it will be to this new one.

I would like to feel relaxed and in touch. I am not afraid of labor, I am not afraid of delivering this baby. But I want to know that I am in the right headspace to give myself every opportunity to have a beautiful birth.

And getting all of this out of my head is one step in the right direction.


Evelyn Rae is 3.5, Liam is 2 and I am 37 weeks with G3

…and thanks to a friend for grabbing a photo of all 4 (5!) of us at the party, too.

Throwback Thursday: An Early Birthday

I have failed at blogging this week. Suburban Housewife Problems and stuff. Whomps.

BUT! Today I bring you a post about Evelyn's first birthday! Finally!

When we were in Wisconsin this summer for the 4th of July, we decided to do a little mini pre-celebration of her birthday with my parents, since they wouldn't be able to be down here for Evelyn's actual birthday or party.

It was reminiscent of a lot of my birthdays growing up, as I am also a summer baby, who had plenty of birthday celebrations at our little cabin in Wisconsin.

I will let the pictures speak for themselves. Kinda.

What's going on guys? 

Why's my chair outside?

Ooooh...

Where'd it go?

You're just gonna leave me here with this thing?

Alright. I dunno what this is, but you seem to be pretty excited...

Hmmm.

NOM. 

This. is. awesome.

This is possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me!

All done!

And then, in a time honored lake tradition, Daddy took a naked butt little baby down to the lake to clean off.

Skinny Dipper

Evelyn is sixteen months old, I am 27 weeks along with Baby Bump

...and who doesn't love pictures of a frosting covered baby?

Twelve Months

Evelyn Rae,

Here it is, today you are a whole year old. It is such a momentous occasion because it is seemingly one of your few remaining "firsts"- your very first birthday. The thing is, though, you have so many more firsts in front of you, my darling girl. Each one better than the last - good or bad - because they will shape you into the woman that you will grow to be.

This letter will reflect how you have changed in the last month, but also how you have changed in the last year. Because, though you may have emerged into the world a year ago today, over the last year, oh my, how you have really emerged. Your personality and essence and huge identity have just come bursting out of that little body in the past 365 days.

And what of that personality? You, my little ladybug, are such a joy to be around. You are simply the happiest child. I cannot wait until I can get a real peek into that amazing mind of yours. You are learning by leaps and bounds - a natural student. I watch you study things so intently these days, and I can just see the wheels of discovery turning in your mind as you connect this piece and that. You are such a contemplative little thing. You have a natural curiosity that leads you into adventures as fast as your little body can crawl - yes, that's right, crawl.

You aren't walking just yet, but I know that it will happen any day. Though, then again, maybe it won't. You have proven your Momma wrong before. You have been cruising around furniture for months, but haven't taken that leap of faith out on your own just yet. I know it's coming and that one day - you will decide to just do it. That's how you do many things; checking it out, thinking about it, savoring that thought and thought process for a while, and then, next thing I know, you are just doing it. No practice runs, just totally in, with your whole body and soul. I love watching the process, the quiet face, then the scrunched up eyebrows and finally the excelling, with a look of confidence as if you knew you could do it all along.

You know what you want and when you want it, and when those two things align, it is so very fun to watch you and the endless mirth that ensues. You clap your hands and say, "Yay!" and laugh and giggle to your little heart's content. When those two things, don't align, however, well, you are not afraid to let us know you are unhappy. You lower those impossibly dark, long eyelashes of yours over those big blue eyes, and have set about practicing the most adorable pout I have ever seen. Or the most mind rattling spout of anger that I can imagine coming from such a small person. You certainly have spirit in leaps and bounds.

The biggest thing that happened this month - that you won't remember of course - is that we told you that you are going to be a big sister! This was quite the surprise to your Mommy and Daddy like you, and though you have absolutely no idea what is coming, I have already started to dream about the kind of relationship you will have with your future sibling. My dearest wish is, I am sure just like every Mother, for you to have a close and loving relationship.

One of support and encouragement, and yes, some teasing and tormenting. It really makes for better stories when we are all laughing around the kitchen table in 25 years or so. You two will be so close in age, I cannot wait to see what life will be like by your next birthday.

You are still nursing once a day, in the morning, and I think it may be my favorite time of day. I go grab you out of your bed upon hearing you wake, and bring you into my bed to snuggle with me and nurse. You giggle and point at things and I tell you their names, and you just absorb it all into that little sponge like brain of yours. I love that we get that time to just be together, and it makes it all sweeter to know that this phase, like so many others will soon be coming to an end.

Oh, bug. I can barely believe that is was an entire year ago that you made me a Mom. I love every little snuggle and smile that you have given me. They have expanded and filled inside my heart, making it so much bigger than it was at this time last year. I know that all of your new developments and additions will continue to do so. Each time you say "Momma" continues to prove that theory.

I love you so much my little bug. And though I sing it to you every night, I want you to know that it is true - you are my sunshine.

Happy Birthday, sweet girl.

With all my heart,

Your Momma.


Evelyn Rae is ONE YEAR OLD, I am nine weeks pregnant

...and, wow.