Mental State

Remember when I used to do Bump Updates?

Every week?

Hahaha. Oh, the glorious days before two mobile children were my primary responsibility.

In any case, I used to include a little section called "Mental State" just to check in with how I was thinking, feeling, etc. about the impending birth of my kiddos.

My mental state currently is a bit overwhelming. Today, I am 37 weeks along, which used to be considered "full term" - and though I am a firm believer in letting babies cook, I am legitimately all over the freaking place mentally.

Liam's birthday and party were this sort of deadline that I had arbitrarily constructed in my head - after that was over, *then* it would be time to worry about baby.

Which…

Can I just, for a minute…

Oh, precious boy.

…and now it's over, and I look around and think - ACK!

This is going to be a total mind dump, stream of consciousness, exactly what comes to mind kind of a post. Come, see what is inside my head.

First, I am having increased pressure and contractions, which is making me lose my damn mind. I keep thinking that I could go into labor at any second (which, you know - possible, but not likely given that we are still only at 37 weeks).

This is driving me crazy, because I should be relaxing and putting up my feet, but instead I launch into some ridiculous project.

See: sewing. Sewing ALL THE THINGS.

Alternatively, I am the most tired person in the world. So, I start ridiculous projects and then about half way through just want to go to sleep.

I think the kiddos are starting to get wise to the fact that there are BIG LIFE CHANGES coming their way, and they are becoming increasingly needy and snuggly - which, yay, but booooo.

We haven't had a night without either of them, or both of them, wandering into our bed in…a few weeks. Given that we have a Queen sized bed, my giant pregnant belly, and the fact that they care naught for taking up all the space in said bed, sleep is even rougher than third trimester usual stuff with heartburn and heaving yourself over to, you know, roll over.

The other morning I actually retreated to Evelyn's bed to try to get some rest at about 4:30 am.

That's a new low.

It is also a strange time because we aren't sure if this will be our last baby. I feel simultaneously like I should be enjoying and marveling at this pregnancy and pregnant state more, and that I am so ready to be done with pregnancy. It's…strange.

I had my 36 week appointment this last week, which the whole family attended. {Amusing.}

But, we did a confirmation of head down position via ultrasound, so that was super fun. We got to see G3's cute little profile and the midwife checked everything else out too. She actually accidentally saw the sex of our baby - uh oh! - even though she totally didn't mean to (I'm just glad we weren't looking), because now she is all worried about being careful with pronouns.

 I assured her we just wouldn't pay attention... but now that is driving me batty, too!

We are so close and I sort of just want to know. TERRIBLE.

Additionally, we finally toured the L and D ward at the hospital and I am a little thrown. Not much, as I was anticipating everything we saw, had asked all the questions before, etc. But still - it's different to see the rooms and just how…hospital-y they are, in comparison to my past birth experiences.

Both of my babies have been adorably convenient and born in the mid afternoon, with sunlight streaming in through the windows.

…these rooms have no windows.

Yikes.

I am a visualization for preparation person, and it is much harder to form a mental picture of myself giving birth in those rooms than it was at the midwifery center. I know that most of that stuff will hopefully fly away when actually in birth but it's rough for my psyche.

Considering that our "home" doesn't really feel 100% like "home" yet to me, this is just another thing that makes me….eh.

But it's not all negative stuff running through my mind - I am actually starting to get so excited about meeting this baby. I have had small peaks of it before now, and I feel myself surging into full blown excitement mode.

I cannot even conceptualize myself with three children, and that this new being will be just as loved as the two already driving me crazy with reckless and wild emotion at any given moment, but I know that he or she will be. It's so similar to right before Liam was born.

I couldn't imagine life with another, and then, all of a sudden, I couldn't imagine it without him.

I know that will happen again - but in the meantime I will just marvel at this in-between existence of wanting to know and love this baby, and wondering if I will have enough - of everything - to give to all of them.

I am torn between wanting to meet this baby now and wanting baby to chill for a bit so we can accomplish ALL THE THINGS. I know that we will never accomplish all of it, and babies come when they want, and thankfully, since this ain't my first rodeo, I also know how little "stuff" babies actually require.

But still.

I would like to feel settled. I believe this will help make the baby and other children feel more settled as well.

I would like to feel ready. That the house is totally a home. It is the first home the baby will know, even if it doesn't quite feel like it to the rest of us yet. Maybe it will to the rest of us because it will be to this new one.

I would like to feel relaxed and in touch. I am not afraid of labor, I am not afraid of delivering this baby. But I want to know that I am in the right headspace to give myself every opportunity to have a beautiful birth.

And getting all of this out of my head is one step in the right direction.


Evelyn Rae is 3.5, Liam is 2 and I am 37 weeks with G3

…and thanks to a friend for grabbing a photo of all 4 (5!) of us at the party, too.