Monday, August 30, 2010

Here we go.

It seems a bit premature to be writing for this "blog" or to even have created it. I don't know if any of these writings will ever see the light of day, let alone the glowing screen of anyone's computer monitor. But, I felt the need to start writing in here for myself. To keep track of my thoughts and feelings. You know, as blogging was first intended.

Where to start? Let's start with where we are now. The hubs and I want a baby. There it is, out there in black and white.

We know we want a baby, and we know we want one soon. There are days when the yearning to be pregnant and to have a little one of my own to cuddle and nourish and teach the ways of the world overwhelms me. To see a little one made with half of me and half of the person who has taken up space in half of my own soul.

And then there are days when some kid is screaming bloody murder in target when I think "whew".

The yearning and the wanting are new things for me, the relief that that parent isn't me? Not so new.

Hubs and I have had a check in system since we got engaged about the whole kiddo readiness thing. I would say, "How are your feelings on kids today?"

And he would reply, "70% excited, and 30% scared out of my mind"

My replies were usually all over the place, but have for months now been at 98% excited out of my mind and 2% scared. We are both there now and figure those are pretty good odds, because who in their right minds wouldn't be a teensy bit anxious about all that goes along with kids?

Then there are the external factors. The biggest of which is money, mooh-lah and cash. There are many issues here in this economy dealing with dollar signs. Job security? general ability to afford life? Plus, I have wanted with my whole heart and soul to be able to stay home with my kids since I can remember. At least when they are small. (we can get into the whole well then why the heck did you go in to debt to go to graduate school garbage later...)

Then there are the issues with the hubby's profession. He is in the Navy, which means we need to hopefully time for when he will actually be around for this baby to be born. Nothing like a narrow window to make this process smooth and relaxed.

Then there is the whole stress of getting pregnant. After years of trying not to, suddenly you want to. What if? What if it isn't easy for us? What if this whole thing takes way longer than we want it to? and the most dreaded what if of all, what if we can't?

But, beyond all odds and beyond all stress and what ifs, we still want to try. Which is how we have arrived at this point.

We are not pregnant, yet. (knock on wood. to the yet part. knocking on wood is confusing)

But, I am off of birth control. I am charting, which is interesting. It started as a way of learning my body off of the pill, and has become an interesting little routine. Now that we are at the point where we may start using that information I feel sort of amazed by it all. I just hope everything works.

Now as we have felt this whole thing out, we have decided to go about "trying" (gah. ew. shudder. I mean really, who wants to know?) in a sort of relaxed way.

The husband calls it "rolling the dice" - he's such a romantic.

Meaning, we are not preventing, but we aren't doing the whole crazy trying business. All I can think of is that part in She's Having a Baby, where they are both so unhappy and just trying, trying, trying to get pregnant. No thank you. But, it is so hard to be charting and to not be interpreting those signs. I know when are good times and when are not so good times. Ugh. The burden of knowledge.

The more I write, the more I feel like I will never put this on the internet. TMI.

Anyway, so there we are.

We want kids - 100%.
We want kids now - 98%.

Based on those odds, we are rolling the dice.

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