Friday, January 4, 2013

Let's talk about...

Second pregnancies, baby.

That's just as fun as sex, yes? Er, I mean, let's move on.

Last night I sat down to "do" my new calendar- transfer over birthday and anniversary reminders (holy crap I must really be a grown up, because some of the anniversaries coming up this year are for 7+ years! And I was IN those weddings. What?!), write in all my prenatal appointments remaining, travel dates I know about (national sorority conference starts ON Evelyn's second birthday. Awesome.), etc.

Well, as A and I sat there, going over the next two months, I was shocked to see the physical image of how little time we have left before our sweet new baby greets us.

So many (SO many) people - friends, strangers, and family alike - have asked me if this pregnancy has been vastly different than when I was pregnant with Ev. In some ways, yes. Overall I have gained less weight, have no new stretch marks (yet. Knock on wood.), my heartburn is way worse, most people think I am carrying lower, Braxton hicks contractions started way earlier, I avoided "fat face" for longer (it is def creeping in though), I haven't experienced any swelling, and my hair which was in the most state of awesomeness ever last time, is now the most unhealthy it has ever been. Hello split ends on top of split ends.

The biggest difference, though, is feeling like I blinked and was here, 34 weeks (almost 35) along. I mean, seriously. I know that I should have anticipated it a bit. This time I am running around and engaging constantly with a tiny human who has boundless energy until she just drops from sheer exhaustion. The never ending lag on bump dates, etc. should be enough proof of this. But I didn't really realize it until just now, looking at the calendar.

Will this baby come early? On time? Late? Some days I already feel like he or she is trying to tunnel out of my cervix.

Nothing is ready.

Physically? We have a car seat in the car (holy crap was that a realization moment)...and that's about it. I haven't dug out our newborn clothes, our room is still our room and not Evelyn's, so while she won't be making the switch to sleeping in said room until well after baby arrives, we still need that space set up for her clothes and toys to move to, so that Bump can have room for those things too. I haven't taken the swing or bouncy seat back out, in fact our Christmas decorations aren't even put away. We already have all of the "stuff", so I can't even go binge purchase things to make me feel productive. Hospital bags packed? Ha. Hilarious. My nesting soul needs so much to be physically ready that just isn't. Christmas crept up on us and was a welcome break from all of our projects, but now I stare at my list and feel like I need to go into hibernation.

Mentally? I honestly don't know if I am ready to meet this baby were he or she to come tomorrow. Am I stoked and excited to meet this little person? Of course. To have a new baby to snuggle close and see discover the world, just like their big sister? Yes, yes, yes. But have I resolved the feelings of anxiousness over how this baby's arrival will affect Evelyn? Nope. Will I ever? I don't know. Do I still have a small heartbroken piece of me that holds her a little longer than even a few weeks ago because I know the days of her being my baby are waning? Yup. Did I uncontrollably start tearing up just typing that last one? Indeed.

A lot of this, I think is my own procrastination that will never die, but also because it is really hard to process emotions when running after an almost 18 month old all day. Much harder than it was when I had all the reflection time I could ever need or want when sitting at a desk in a not challenging enough to keep me mentally stimulated job.  Has part of me probably also been avoiding that processing and not prioritizing it over the "needs" of the here and now? I mean, probably. Human nature, right?

The bottom line is that I blinked, and we were here. I know that all will resolve itself in the next few weeks, because I know myself, and I know that not once in life have I ever failed to make peace with something in just enough time and to feel ready and welcoming for the change that is about to hit me. So, I know that it will happen. I have faith.

I can feel it beginning to happen already in my heart.

The change to peaceful, hopeful and "bigger picture" Courtney is happening even now as I write this. I can feel it.

So, second pregnancies? Different?

Yes. In so many ways.

Evelyn Rae is 17 months old, I am 34 weeks along with Baby Bump

...and I can't wait to see my baby step up into her new role. Big Sister. Crazy town.

1 comment:

  1. These huge changes coming to your family will definitely be challenging but you totally will THRIVE and love every minute (when you look back). ;) I'm very excited to see this fun and exciting new stage in your life!

    And who knows what the heck I'm going to do with 3?!?!